Trust, Faith, and Hope in the Lord. He will set you free!

It will never be easy to fight for one to he better. But you know something it will be worth it,even thought it may not seam that way. We can get past this when we take our eyes off our problem and put your eyes on the one who can help us heal. It is to much for us to take on our self. People will come in our lives and tell us fails story's. we just need to allow those story's pass by us. I know that can be hard but we can choose how to deal with it in a good way or not so good way.

That my friends will not be easy but you can do it.

Last night I have decided to tackle Setting Capture Free program again and one of the programs there that I want to do is Mentor Ship and one of them I really want to do is " Way of Purity/Door of Hope". For my understanding I have to take a course before I do that and it is called The Way of Purity. It is 60 day course I have tried to do it once before but got frustrated with it. This time, before I start I am going to ask God to help me get threw it and to be with me as I try to do it for 60 days. See what happens.

Yes Its free to do, and it is something that I wanted to do for wile but just sat it to a side. Why I want to do this because P and M is a big problem for women and yet men out there. My fouse right no is for women out there. More of this junk is out there and yet free (some) women and men will continue to be drawn to it. I know yet my self got cought up in it and is still facing the challenge not to fall for satan bait. In some ways I am kinda nervise if things don't turn out or not what I should be doing I can pull out anytime I want.

There is just so many women out there who are seeking help but not sure were to turn or yet scard to look, and yet trust someone with knowing what they got them selfs in to. I know I am greatful that the Lord sent someone who I could trust about my addction and with other things.

So now at this time I feel it is time for me to return the help that I got for someone else.

Know matter what I do or say I cant seam to do anything right or yet pleasing
to my mom. It is getting to the point were i can take so much of this junk
before I end up saying something that I know I should be saying. Its always a
contiune cycle with this. For me I don't want to say anything to anyone because
I don't want their own feelings to get hurt or end up in an argument. Its like
they can say what they want to say but when it comes to me to saying what i want
to say is a different story.

I am trying not to allow this junk to bother me but it is hard not to. I am angry right now what to say things that could or should be said nor not to be said. I want to cry, and yeah I am hurt and feeling of disappointed in with what has or is happening.

Dealing with this same junk over and over again for so long you'd think one would be use to it by now but that is not so.

I am done with it all. I am trying to lose weight and i have and I feel good. I have been running watching what I eat, and how much I eat.  I guess few weeks a go or a week ago she tell's me that she is proud of me then just the other day she say's My mom comes down on me saying that I need to try little harder or push my self more. I was doing good before they came home and someone stuck her noise in to what I was doing and I lissioned and I droped what I was doing. I know I need to kick her words and know what she would say out of my mind but that is going to be hard thing to do.  All I can do is run, walk, ect but then when that is all over i end up filling my face with food why because of the junk I am going threw and no wonder it is taken me so long to try
to lose the weight.

i am loosing hope with that and I just want to give up. All I want to here from my parents is positive not the nagitive.

How the I was going to start to swear and get angry. But I cannot allow that to take part of my life. There is so much other junk i could say truth is it would just end up being to much for me and it could just go on.

I have to say this as well, they have been good They have been allwoing me to live cheep rent, they helped me pay off my car, they helped pay for a course that didn't work out not only once but twice.

They day I can have a normal life to were it should be is when they are no
longer living. I can start to live.

I am only human and attend to fall from time to time. But I do question only one thing. I know I have and understand that I have or had better option on how to handle it. I could have not done it or prayed, or say no and yet I chosen to say yes. I wish I could pick up the phone and say hey I want to M but I don't want to and I need help. How does one bring that up. So I just did what I did last night and it is over with and done.

I really do kick my self in the can for getting my self in to this stuff and just wish it would be gone. It is so easy to get hocked but it is harder to get unhooked.  With viewing P I am easily to say no or walk away but when it comes down to M it is different story. I just wish I could have some support in this area. I thought I had but it seams like the support that I thought isn't my support. I know people attend to get busy but if they say they will check up on how things are going they should. I know I have support back in my old home town but that is 5 hrs away to get support. I wish I could have support that is closer to me.

I know I can get my support from God, and I know he can help me with my struggle but what I would like is to have human support.
I was thinking that I would come out and tell my parents about my addiction but I wasn't to sure if I should or not so I asked a friend of mine who I trust and know who wouldn't judge me. This is what she had to say...
"What concerns me is that they may, or at least one of them may, attempt to use that to further control you. Maybe one day when you are sure that you no longer even feel the temptation, and are certain that you are free of it then it may be safe to tell them.  As long as you have someone that you trust who knows and is not judgmental, but an encourager to you then that is all you need.  I think that your addiction has a lot to do with the lack of closeness and intimate trust that you have desired to have with that one parent who never really gave that to you, is a lot of the reason that you became addicted to substitute for what you were lacking in

My own words: You know something She was or I should say IS right it had to do with lack of closeness and  intimate trust ect... that I never got. That is just few reasons why I had become addicted to internet P and M.

She continues on saying "I am just concerned that your willingness to trust you parents with that might
cause them to judge you harshly and use it against you.  We need to be careful  who we trust with the darkest parts of us.  When you are strong enough in your  recovery and don\t give a hoot what other people think including your folks then you will be able to tell them without suffering any adverse effects of their reaction to it."

My own words: Yet again she was right they would judge me and would use it against me. Yet we do need to be careful who we trust. Until then I will just have to keep it to my self until I am strong enough in my recovery and don't care who I tell. I may not want to tell them I may just keep it to my self. I don't even know why they need to know. I am glad I told my friend that is what I wanted to say to my parents but thank God it never happened.

It is just 9 15pm and I am ready for bed my eyes can't stay open any longer.

If you have some
one who you can trust and wont past judgment CAN help you get threw your addction. It is hard fight but we can never do this alone. I know I am greatful that I have a friend/Christian councler who has seen me threw my addction. Who has prayed for me and yet been there even when I had failed, and that makes a difference for me.
I know right now I feel that I can M right now but I choose to come here and wright to my self or yet for others who are going threw the same fight as I am.

I have spoken to another person(s) about my addction but didn't get in to details with it as like I had with my friend. I know they are praying for me and that makes a big difference in my recovery. But it is a risk in telling someone because they can use it agents you and can hurt you in your recovery. I been blest that God sent me to someone who I can trust.

I know praying, reading Gods word, and being around people who is a positive for your life can help and I know I need to do that more. But few things do set me back in that but I cant allow that to stop me from taking each step I try to walk like how Christ see's me to do. Yet putting Christ first is hard thing for me to do.

Each day I don't view or M is a good day and victory under my belt.

We are God's child no matter what I know he lvoes


I pray this morning to you not just for me but for women and yet men who get couht up with internet porn and masturbation. There are so many women and men who struggle to break free and is having a hard time doing so. I pray that this website will give some hope for those who are looking for help and some hope along the way. Give them the streath and help them find their way out.

I know father that it can be frustrating to find the help that is needed or yet they are scard to such for help. When they do find help they are afraid to come forward in telling someone. For me father you have led me to a person who you knew I could trust and can help me. Please do the same for those who are in need of help. With out help that is needed they turn to harming them selfs because they just want all the pain to go away. I know for me it was not about selfharming it was food and yet getting drunk. I know it just covers up what I or we want to be gone in our lives.

So father please use this websight and me to reach out to others.

In this I pray Amen.

May 2013 Newsletter

In this Issue:
**What Defines You? 
**Malware Mess
**Blazing Grace Retreat in September?
**More Reading and Newsletter Archives  
**Final Words 


What Defines You? 
Mike Genung

 The standard by  which we define ourselves reveals who we believe we are; our sense of self-worth.
It is also the rudder that directs the course of our life.

When I was in bondage to sexual sin, much of what defined  me had to do with whether I acted out that day. If I abstained, I was “a good  Christian”; if I blew it, I was slime. My identity and sense of self-worth were  wrapped up in my actions, which, all too often, involved failure. I was a royal  mess in so many ways it was hard to tread water; if it wasn’t lust, selfishness,  a critical spirit, fear, or pride were constantly surfacing and dragging me  down.

The other driving force I defined myself by was the harmful things people did to me. I was molested as a teenager, and for years the  fear, shame, and bitterness that wraps itself around the soul drove me.
Those  who have been abused see themselves as soiled and despised; unworthy of love. I  compensated with this madness by keeping others at a distance; I’d been victimized once, and was determined not to let anyone cross my boundaries again. 

After combining my failures with the traumatic events involving others, I saw myself as a waste of humanity; one who had little to offer himself, others, or God. I saw nothing of value. A person of low self-worth will have a hard time lifting their heart up to God and others for help; even if they do, they doubt if they can find healing. Once hopelessness takes hold there is a constant battle with discouragement and depression. 

If we allow our failures, sin, and how others have wronged us to define us, our lives will be marked with despair, anger, frustration, discouragement, and unrealistic expectations of others. We will struggle with our relationships with God and others, and will miss out on many ways we could have been used for Him. Staying in this place for too long is dangerous; once bitterness and a hard heart take over, we can spiral downward even faster.

So what should define us?
I suggest it is a combination of two things.

The easy Sunday school answer is “what God says in the Bible.” This is 100% true, and is the first of two parts I will suggest. The danger comes when well-meaning  Christians make shallow, “just have faith and believe God”
statements without  taking the time to get to know the other person and what they’re going through.  Trite answers come easy for those who haven’t been through trauma, or spent  years floundering in besetting sin. When a person who’s defined themselves by  their failures and/or how others have hurt them hears that God values and loves  them, they can struggle with doubt, unbelief, or outright rejection of the  message. Time must be taken to hear them out and what they’ve been through  instead of quickly handing out our culture’s typical
“take my five step program  and you’re healed” prescription. Life is messy, and the timing and methods aren’t the same for everyone.

Having said this, we start with the truth. No matter  what other have done to us, how much we’ve failed, or how much “it can’t be  true!” screams within, what God says must be that which we strive to define ourselves by.

For the sake of simplicity (there’s far than what I’m giving you here in His Word), I’ve narrowed it down to five ways how God defines and sees us.

We are:                      

Desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). 

This isn’t the seeker friendly, positive way to start, I  know, but we have to begin here to understand the vastness of the love of God.  We are corrupt with selfishness, pride, lust, greed, murder in the heart, fear,  bitterness, and judging. Absent the realization of this, we’re liable to stay in  pride and self-sufficient mode, which is a recipe for disaster. The down side is  that those who define themselves solely by their sin and wounds
can live in  judgment, condemnation, and fear; the truth is there’s an abundance of healing  and life waiting in the wings for them.

We are beloved (Ephesians 2:4, 2 Thessalonians 2:13, 1 Peter 4:12, 1 John 4:1, 4:7, 4:11, and many others).
In spite of our inner ugliness and shame, God loves us with an overwhelming love that’s so powerful, deep, and wide that it’s hard to grasp it all. God’s love doesn’t deny our sin; otherwise Jesus wouldn’t have needed to die on the cross. But, He isn’t like anyone we will encounter on earth--our failures and wickedness do not define how He loves or values people. This is contrary to our relationships with others, where we are often valued by what we do, not who we are. This is what makes it so hard to receive and believe His love for us. If we believed the lie for years that we’re  worthless, receiving unseen love from an unseen God will seem too hard, or far  away. I’m going to switch gears and address the wives for a moment.

Do you define yourself and your sense of self-worth by how your husband has hurt you with porn or affairs? Having watched how I hurt Michelle, I’ll never minimize the pain and trauma a husband’s sexual sin inflicts. My sin had a profound impact on Michelle’s self-esteem, and other wives have shared that their husband’s betrayal affected them the same way. Nevertheless, what your husband did to you does not define your worth as a 
woman. It does not make you less of a person. It will not rob you of your dignity as God’s daughter. It does not change the fact that you are beloved of the Lord. Let me add another piece here, because I get emails from wives who say  their husbands are blaming them for their porn problem. Your husband’s pride and  justification of his sin will never change the fact that God knows the truth,  and He cares for you. Your husband’s sin does not mean you are less of a  woman.

Next in line of that which defines us:

We are forgiven of all our sins (Colossians 2:13). Those who hang on to their sins as evidence of their worthlessness no longer need to do so. They can release them. There’s no more need to beat yourself up for past failures; doing so will only keep you from all  that God wants you to be and what He wants to do through you.

We are cleansed from sin (Psalms 32, Psalms 51, 1 John 1:9).That shame we’ve been carrying around because we think we deserve it and this is who we are? We are cleansed from shame in God’s eyes just by the simple act of confession. That’s all it takes; you’re not the dirty leper you think you are. That’s the power of the love of God. 

Although we’re cleansed from our sin, there will always be an ongoing battle with the flesh this side of eternity. The good news is that  we can grow in grace and shrivel up the power of the flesh through obedience,  humility, love, and keeping short accounts with sin.

We are choice and precious (1 Peter 2:4). 

I have to admit that most days I have a hard time seeing  myself as choice and precious. “Messed up” often feels like a better fit. But  when I do this I’m focusing on and defining myself by the wickedness within and  the mistakes I’ve made, instead of what the Lord says. God’s love is bigger than  my “Messed up-edness.” “Choice and precious” speaks of Him assigning incredible  worth to us, even though He sees all of what’s

The second way we should define ourselves is one that gives weight to the first: how God has met us personally. This moves beyond mere  theology and into how He’s showed up in our lives and revealed Himself to
us.  There have been many times when I was at a low point; struggling with unbelief,  doubt, fear, or anger, and God kept showing up and speaking, leading, convicting, and teaching. When He kept coming after me He was providing the hard  evidence I needed to prove His defining love and care. I would have had to
call  Him a liar to deny it. It is when we know God is there for us and cares  for us when our doubt and false perceptions dissolve…and faith takes off.

Although some of this is Christianity 101, we don’t always  live like we believe what God says. Russ Willingham, a professional counselor  who works with sex addicts, says he has never counseled a person who truly  understood the grace of God. If we really got a hold of how God sees and defines  us in the deepest recesses of our heart (not just our minds), it would revolutionize our lives far beyond “being a good Christian,”—we’d be passionate about our relationship with Him, and would be more apt to trust Him. 

You are beloved, forgiven, choice, and precious, in spite of the darkness within.

Do you believe this is what defines you? 

Final Words

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalms 63:1 


This saying I have posted is true. I know things have been hard for you and well continue to get hard until oneday the chain of this addiction that you and I have been fighting ends up breaking. I know I have thought and wanting to give up on my fight of breaking free and I really didn't think why I held on so long was because God held on to me and He never let go of me. He will do the same for you. It is also good to have someone who one can trust who know that you are going threw so they too can pray for you as one fights for their freedom of internet porn and Masturbation.

Keep fighting and keep holding on. If you ever need to talk or need prayer please contact me and I will do it.

I have two choices right now on how to handle of wanting to act on a sinfulway.

My choices are simply lade out for me.
Should I view Porn/Masturbation and give in to the temptation or feeling the need to act upon it. I will look at it in a negative way and how it will turn out. I would feel quite bummed  out because I acted upon the temptation,I would feel up set and down on my self ect.


Positive way would say no, pray to God, rebuke satan, bible, sing Gods songs ect...until I know all of this pass.
The out come of me saying no to satan. Is a wonderful feeling because it left me feeling wonderful about my self, I have bounce in my step, I don't feel angry ect...

Its not an easy choice to pick when one is started out on trying to break free from their addiction. I never did see the positive side of saying no and how I felt at the end. That is because satan had me seeing the negative side of all this and it clouded my own judgment of how to handle it. Thanks to God he opened my eyes on how to handle this.

If you are not were I am you will get there, it takes time. For me my friends I am not 100 % free from this addiction. It will always be part of my life a fight to stay away.