I thought I could help others with their own recovery or trying to get them their. But I found out that I was slipping back to were I fought to stay way from for so long and worked hard to get my self to recovery. Until I thought I could help someone to get well but wile I was doing that I forgot my own recovery and now I am struggling to get that back. I found out to that I am not strong enough to help others. I guess you can say it is or has been an eye opener for me.
This person who I was trying to get help I failed in helping her. I hope she will continue to find help a Christian councillor who has true training in this area. I hope that she stops telling non Christian people who don't have degree on this area that she needs help.
I just wish I could but all of this is still to fresh in my mind. I also struggle with my own Christian life as a child of God and I know that if my struggle with that would be less my recovery would be stronger.
I am trying not to be up set or felt left down when people say that they will be countable parter they do not check in with me. But yet I haven't even spoken to them with my struggles. I wonder why.
Last night I have decided to tackle Setting Capture Free program again and one of the programs there that I want to do is Mentor Ship and one of them I really want to do is " Way of Purity/Door of Hope". For my understanding I have to take a course before I do that and it is called The Way of Purity. It is 60 day course I have tried to do it once before but got frustrated with it. This time, before I start I am going to ask God to help me get threw it and to be with me as I try to do it for 60 days. See what happens.
Yes Its free to do, and it is something that I wanted to do for wile but just sat it to a side. Why I want to do this because P and M is a big problem for women and yet men out there. My fouse right no is for women out there. More of this junk is out there and yet free (some) women and men will continue to be drawn to it. I know yet my self got cought up in it and is still facing the challenge not to fall for satan bait. In some ways I am kinda nervise if things don't turn out or not what I should be doing I can pull out anytime I want.
There is just so many women out there who are seeking help but not sure were to turn or yet scard to look, and yet trust someone with knowing what they got them selfs in to. I know I am greatful that the Lord sent someone who I could trust about my addction and with other things.
So now at this time I feel it is time for me to return the help that I got for someone else.
Know matter what I do or say I cant seam to do anything right or yet pleasing
to my mom. It is getting to the point were i can take so much of this junk
before I end up saying something that I know I should be saying. Its always a
contiune cycle with this. For me I don't want to say anything to anyone because
I don't want their own feelings to get hurt or end up in an argument. Its like
they can say what they want to say but when it comes to me to saying what i want
to say is a different story.
I am trying not to allow this junk to bother me but it is hard not to. I am angry right now what to say things that could or should be said nor not to be said. I want to cry, and yeah I am hurt and feeling of disappointed in with what has or is happening.
Dealing with this same junk over and over again for so long you'd think one would be use to it by now but that is not so.
I am done with it all. I am trying to lose weight and i have and I feel good. I have been running watching what I eat, and how much I eat. I guess few weeks a go or a week ago she tell's me that she is proud of me then just the other day she say's My mom comes down on me saying that I need to try little harder or push my self more. I was doing good before they came home and someone stuck her noise in to what I was doing and I lissioned and I droped what I was doing. I know I need to kick her words and know what she would say out of my mind but that is going to be hard thing to do. All I can do is run, walk, ect but then when that is all over i end up filling my face with food why because of the junk I am going threw and no wonder it is taken me so long to try
to lose the weight.
i am loosing hope with that and I just want to give up. All I want to here from my parents is positive not the nagitive.
How the I was going to start to swear and get angry. But I cannot allow that to take part of my life. There is so much other junk i could say truth is it would just end up being to much for me and it could just go on.
I have to say this as well, they have been good They have been allwoing me to live cheep rent, they helped me pay off my car, they helped pay for a course that didn't work out not only once but twice.
They day I can have a normal life to were it should be is when they are no
longer living. I can start to live.
I am only human and attend to fall from time to time. But I do question only one thing. I know I have and understand that I have or had better option on how to handle it. I could have not done it or prayed, or say no and yet I chosen to say yes. I wish I could pick up the phone and say hey I want to M but I don't want to and I need help. How does one bring that up. So I just did what I did last night and it is over with and done.
I really do kick my self in the can for getting my self in to this stuff and just wish it would be gone. It is so easy to get hocked but it is harder to get unhooked. With viewing P I am easily to say no or walk away but when it comes down to M it is different story. I just wish I could have some support in this area. I thought I had but it seams like the support that I thought isn't my support. I know people attend to get busy but if they say they will check up on how things are going they should. I know I have support back in my old home town but that is 5 hrs away to get support. I wish I could have support that is closer to me.
I know I can get my support from God, and I know he can help me with my struggle but what I would like is to have human support.
I was thinking that I would come out and tell my parents about my addiction but I wasn't to sure if I should or not so I asked a friend of mine who I trust and know who wouldn't judge me. This is what she had to say...
"What concerns me is that they may, or at least one of them may, attempt to use that to further control you. Maybe one day when you are sure that you no longer even feel the temptation, and are certain that you are free of it then it may be safe to tell them. As long as you have someone that you trust who knows and is not judgmental, but an encourager to you then that is all you need. I think that your addiction has a lot to do with the lack of closeness and intimate trust that you have desired to have with that one parent who never really gave that to you, is a lot of the reason that you became addicted to substitute for what you were lacking in
My own words: You know something She was or I should say IS right it had to do with lack of closeness and intimate trust ect... that I never got. That is just few reasons why I had become addicted to internet P and M.
She continues on saying "I am just concerned that your willingness to trust you parents with that might
cause them to judge you harshly and use it against you. We need to be careful who we trust with the darkest parts of us. When you are strong enough in your recovery and don\t give a hoot what other people think including your folks then you will be able to tell them without suffering any adverse effects of their reaction to it."
My own words: Yet again she was right they would judge me and would use it against me. Yet we do need to be careful who we trust. Until then I will just have to keep it to my self until I am strong enough in my recovery and don't care who I tell. I may not want to tell them I may just keep it to my self. I don't even know why they need to know. I am glad I told my friend that is what I wanted to say to my parents but thank God it never happened.
It is just 9 15pm and I am ready for bed my eyes can't stay open any longer.
If you have some
one who you can trust and wont past judgment CAN help you get threw your addction. It is hard fight but we can never do this alone. I know I am greatful that I have a friend/Christian councler who has seen me threw my addction. Who has prayed for me and yet been there even when I had failed, and that makes a difference for me.
I know right now I feel that I can M right now but I choose to come here and wright to my self or yet for others who are going threw the same fight as I am.
I have spoken to another person(s) about my addction but didn't get in to details with it as like I had with my friend. I know they are praying for me and that makes a big difference in my recovery. But it is a risk in telling someone because they can use it agents you and can hurt you in your recovery. I been blest that God sent me to someone who I can trust.
I know praying, reading Gods word, and being around people who is a positive for your life can help and I know I need to do that more. But few things do set me back in that but I cant allow that to stop me from taking each step I try to walk like how Christ see's me to do. Yet putting Christ first is hard thing for me to do.
Each day I don't view or M is a good day and victory under my belt.
We are God's child no matter what I know he lvoes
I pray this morning to you not just for me but for women and yet men who get couht up with internet porn and masturbation. There are so many women and men who struggle to break free and is having a hard time doing so. I pray that this website will give some hope for those who are looking for help and some hope along the way. Give them the streath and help them find their way out.
I know father that it can be frustrating to find the help that is needed or yet they are scard to such for help. When they do find help they are afraid to come forward in telling someone. For me father you have led me to a person who you knew I could trust and can help me. Please do the same for those who are in need of help. With out help that is needed they turn to harming them selfs because they just want all the pain to go away. I know for me it was not about selfharming it was food and yet getting drunk. I know it just covers up what I or we want to be gone in our lives.
So father please use this websight and me to reach out to others.
In this I pray Amen.