Wondering what I failed in...I failed in walking closer to God, reading the bible ect... I keep saying that I am going to do this and do that but I just end up falling. I know it is importent that I do read my bible, pray, spend time in Gods word so I can renew my mind to help me get threw my addction. I don't recall when I viewed porn but I can say it has been a long wile. Yes that is pat on the back for me but what I fail on is my adcction to masterbation. It still lingers in side of me and comes running across my mind,plays with my heart. with that then i just want to masterbait then Iknow it is all over with but like I said and yet read in some info it just helps a split second then it just starts all over again. Its like a drug addcit looking for a next fix.
Things can throw people of their freedom path, but we know witch way to turn to God when we fall however sometimes we just fall and go the other way. I know some days it is easyer to turn to satan and say here have do with me. By doing so it just turns ones life up side down.
I know I need to flee to God not to satan as God promise's that one day we or I will be free but when I am not sure all I know I need to trust.
So with that today after this wright up I am steping forward and keeping my mind on him.
I know I haven't been right with God for a long time. I have to be putting God first before anything happends in my life or even before I take my frist step of the day. But I sit on my counch typing a message on my blog looking around in between my typing of my words thinking I need to clean my place. But I need to sit down and read my bible, spend time with God ect. I am guilty of not doing that. I would be going to be cleaning because if I sit down and read or spend time with God my mind wonders off on what lays in front of me.
With that, I am struggling to brake free from my addction, I know if I spend more time with God that could be a different story. I know it could help me. But I don't and I know I should be.
I was doing good for few days I started doing a bible study that was easyish to do but then I got side tracked and just forgot about it. That was the same with reading the daily devoishon. I know I have been putting my own needs first and that isn't how a Christian life works. I have reached out and yet spoken to ppl about this but again nothing has happened.
Back of my mind I start to think ok what happends if God call's me home and He asked me question, such as this Why haven't you spent time with me and reading my word in the bible? You know something I don't have the answer for that question.
I know to if I just give in wanting to M and view P would be all gone for the time being and I know I don't have to think about it. Like I am thinking about M after I wright this post. I know there is one secret that has brought up and I know I am fighting to keep away from my mind but knock on wood it has happen.
Anyway I am thinking of taking some stuff down because when I view my sight it looks to much on my sight.
I think with the info on self-harm I may take down, and I may post on my blog bible virse of the day ect... and maybe I will post my personal message on my blog ever few days. I don't know.
I wish I could end this blog to keep your eyes on the Lord he will get you threw what you need to get threw but for me I haven't been doing that.
Well I thought I would come and wright few things what has been going on since my last post of July 10th. I was away for a wile. I needed time out with what is going on. I have spoken to my pastor of what bible study would be easy for me to do on my own wile I Waite for the fall. He gave me a book to work threw and I was doing good until I just stopped for know resin. But I will get back in to doing it tonight. Wile I was doing that it was good because I didn't think about my addiction to internet P or yet Masturbation. I was little busy with doing things with my dog, volunteering were I live in a group home for those who can't live on their own and yet now I am getting my dog to come with me to help out as well. Its great to help other people because it get's my mind off my own problem. I do know that is not aperient fixed but it helps.
I am single, I know that family members are getting married or got engaged, or starting a family of their own. I found that very hard but now to me it is not really matters to much to me. but I hope in time God will put my path and someone (guy) to be my husband. For now I have to be ok with that until that time comes and right now I can't fill that empty space of viewing P and M. In some time that will come to and end and I don't have to. If you know what I mean, but that is not my resin to be married. I have though of why would one want to get married or be with someone. Because sometimes the marriage ends up being prity junky, or just not falling in love with the person and just end up getting hurt at the end. Is it better to be lonely and not being hurt. I know its not all like that all the time but most of that stuff out there happens.
Will see what happens and what God see's fit for me. So in the mean time I am taking one day at a time, trying to stay on track of my journey with walking to words God not away from him.
It's been few days since my last post. It's been cray last little wile trying to figure out what I need to do. I have thought and still do think do people really care and are they out just for them selfs. Were that people are asking for help but nothing is done. But you know what that is ok because there is one person who would never let me down is Jesus. He has been there even when my heart and eyes were closed to that idea. When I do that, I always fall in a hole. What I need to be doing is keep my eyes on God as he will fix anything that I bring forward to him.
Anyway I went talked to my pastor and I am doing a bible study on my own so fare it has been easy. I have been reading a book so my mind is on what I have been doing and not on my addiction.
Things are going to be ok....why because nothing can stand in our way if we allow it to take us down. Sometimes it is easier to stay on the ground but it doesn't help get ride of what got us down in the first
place. We have a choice to stay on the ground or reach up and grab on to God's hands and allow Him to guide our way out and take down what got us to the ground in the first place.
With that I ask you what is your choice...stay on the ground and let the nothing come and make you feel more junky. Or reach for Gods hand to help you up and to guide your way out.
The last few posts have been little bummer that is because the last few days its been little crazy trying to figure out what is needed to be done. I have to get back on track in putting my needs first before anyone else. I know for me that seems to be little harsh for me to say that because I have been putting peoples needs first before mine. If I do that I forget about my own recovery and I wont be able to help others.
I already mucked things up but I will do it after I post my blog. I am going to read my bible, pray in witch that is hard for me to do, and read a devotion. Someone emailed me Good Habits and for one of the examples would be.
1. When early mornings are "weak times" we make sure that we always jump out of bed, go wash up, put on some clothing and go do our devotionals. After doing that every day for about 3 weeks, it will be so habitual that you wouldn't have to decide anything...you'd just do it automatically.
I know I need to start doing that I have herd about that but didn't even give it a try. so after this post that is what I am going to do.
As crazy as it may sound I am looking forword in putting one foot infrot of the other and start to Build Good Habits.
I pray and come to you thank you, for putting this on my heart. I ask Lord to help me build better habbits then I have right now. As you know were my weekness is I just pray that you help me to build them so they can become strong with in my self and in you as well. Thank you father for always reaching down and picking me up. Allowing me to go threw what I need to get threw so I can continue to put one foot in front of the other. I know father that you know that I don't always make the right choices. Father you are so pashiont with me in my struggles and when I don't turn to you and ask for your forgiveness. Thank you father for all you have done.
I sat in front of my lap top and I was typing out my prayer to God this morning and I was almost done. Then I lost everything. Now I don't even remember what I typed out. I just hope that what I said God herd everything.
Its just been crazy last few days and I do know why and I just have to figerout what I am going to do and how I am going to deal with it. I think that is the same thing as trying to figer out what I am going to do is. Oh well its not a big deal if I said the same thing twice but in a different way.
Nothing has changed for me since the last few post as I have posted. So in someway there is no point of even doing a post.
Because I cant say what I want to say to help those who do read my post and not even lission to my own advise. What good example is that for others. I could not come forward with this but it is not being truthful from my part.
If people are getting discardged or feeling down to my last few post. I am not going to apologies for that because that is how I am feeling and I am trying to be real hear and not hid be hind my words or how I feel. I am only human and I do get lost from time to time and seeking a friendly hand to left me up to be my countable person who I can call up and say hay I am struggling with this or with that. But that is one of my struggles is coming forward in doing so. Just depends who and what it is.
It is still early maybe today will be
I just want to send up date to let you know what is going on and were I am since my post this morning. I still don't know, but I just want to say thank you for your prayers for those who did pray. I am greatful for them. I am feeling better but still not sure what is going on and what I need to do along with many other t
As the topic at top says how can I...and the icon you see next to my posting that I have posted is a question mark icon next to it. Just simple questioning on my part on how can I sit here and say the things that I am hoping most people want to here and yet that could help them to break free from their addction or yet what ever the case may be. I will try to make this post as clear as I can. Sometimes my posts don't always turn out that way but you know that is ok because this is away for me to help me to figer out what I am going to do and also hope that others can take a lot from this sight or yet one of my posts that I posted.
I am glad that as I type this it get's saved because I clicked on something and I had to re open my webpage up. Anyway back to were I was heading. Why I have the icon of ? and How can I...well let me sit here and try to explain to you what my thoughts are on that.
How can I sit here and tell people how to get past their addction or what worked for me could work for them. Or that they should turn to God and allow God to help you get threw what you need to get threw. Were God is there for you..He will get you threw anything. When you feel tempted flee from what is tempted you and run to God. How can I say all that and other things when I lack in doing so.
How can I say talk to God, spend time in the bible when truble times come knocking at your door even before they come knocken will take everything away when I don't do it...but I can tell you from reading storys and hearing storys how God can make things well means He CAN. Why am I not hearing my own words when I speak.
Why am I having such a hard time in doing so my self. To me I guess it is easyer to speak then lissioning to my own self.
That is why I question my own actions how can I help or say things when I don't even take in what I say. Would that classified me as? I know I have asked or posted that I would like help on FB or yet on here but I come empty handed.
Does it classifies me as being selfish? Is it all about me post? How can it be when I have been giving and not getting anything back. Am I at the point who gives a damn and just let it lay were it lays.
Oh how can I sit here and post new things on my website when I don't even take it in....
How can I do that when I had fallen just few days a go and hadn't even repent for my action.
I told someone about a Cocoon(me) and a Butterfly (me)..were I was fly ing free. When I am still struggling? Do I have the rights to tell that story? Yes and NO but I don't know. One day maybe I will share that little story for you to know and understand.
How can I end this post and say hold on to God, keep fighting the good fight. when I don't even do that my self.
All of this is to fresh in my mind. It just seams to be flowing in my mind like a waterfall that keeps falling down to the ground. I have asked people for help in witch I thought I could get help with my recovery but nothing seams to be happening from them. yet I have also privitly posted it on my facebook account as well but yet again nothing has happened. So I also play this around my mind, do people care? If they do well then were is the help....to be it just seams to be bullSh*t to me. I have stoped attending this websight called Dirty Girls ministry it is to help people who have addction to well last say just its personal. Anyway I am also questioning I I should continue doing a program with Setting capture free. I don't feel like I need to be taking the course or that program because to me it is just a reminder what I have been trying to get over and wanting to be gone out of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen, or yet it is something I have to live with and still struggle with until my time on this earth is over with. When that time comes and with the amount of time, would I be sitting at the gets of heaven? Because I didn't give my all in fighting to get free and that I haven't been turning to God. Putting my trust in Him for other things as well? Or will I be turned around and to be set to the gets of Hell?
I am just walking around right now on this earth trying to what I need to do but to me that seams not to be enough.
Right now I don't know what to say or yet do anymore. It gets to be to much, for me alone to take. To me it seams like everyone out there is just out there for theirselfs. For me it is different, I give myself to much and I wonder if I should stop giving so much and pull back.
I just simply don't know. I wish right now I can crawl back to bed and not get back up. But I am as I am stuck at home with parents. I have to pretend that I am ok when truly things are not ok. I know I need to stop saying I am ok when people ask or when they do but really what I truly want to say I am NOT ok. I guess that is part of my were I don't want to explain to people what is going on. Then find out they just wanted to lesson and don't give a crap! So why should I give a crap back.
Its like this dumb website I do...I work on it and nothing happens? I question do people really read it and is it really helping people. Do I want to continue doing this website? Who knows because I sure don't know.
I thought I could help others with their own recovery or trying to get them their. But I found out that I was slipping back to were I fought to stay way from for so long and worked hard to get my self to recovery. Until I thought I could help someone to get well but wile I was doing that I forgot my own recovery and now I am struggling to get that back. I found out to that I am not strong enough to help others. I guess you can say it is or has been an eye opener for me.
This person who I was trying to get help I failed in helping her. I hope she will continue to find help a Christian councillor who has true training in this area. I hope that she stops telling non Christian people who don't have degree on this area that she needs help.
I just wish I could but all of this is still to fresh in my mind. I also struggle with my own Christian life as a child of God and I know that if my struggle with that would be less my recovery would be stronger.
I am trying not to be up set or felt left down when people say that they will be countable parter they do not check in with me. But yet I haven't even spoken to them with my struggles. I wonder why.