All of this is to fresh in my mind. It just seams to be flowing in my mind like a waterfall that keeps falling down to the ground. I have asked people for help in witch I thought I could get help with my recovery but nothing seams to be happening from them. yet I have also privitly posted it on my facebook account as well but yet again nothing has happened. So I also play this around my mind, do people care? If they do well then were is the help....to be it just seams to be bullSh*t to me. I have stoped attending this websight called Dirty Girls ministry it is to help people who have addction to well last say just its personal. Anyway I am also questioning I I should continue doing a program with Setting capture free. I don't feel like I need to be taking the course or that program because to me it is just a reminder what I have been trying to get over and wanting to be gone out of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen, or yet it is something I have to live with and still struggle with until my time on this earth is over with. When that time comes and with the amount of time, would I be sitting at the gets of heaven? Because I didn't give my all in fighting to get free and that I haven't been turning to God. Putting my trust in Him for other things as well? Or will I be turned around and to be set to the gets of Hell?
I am just walking around right now on this earth trying to what I need to do but to me that seams not to be enough.
Right now I don't know what to say or yet do anymore. It gets to be to much, for me alone to take. To me it seams like everyone out there is just out there for theirselfs. For me it is different, I give myself to much and I wonder if I should stop giving so much and pull back.
I just simply don't know. I wish right now I can crawl back to bed and not get back up. But I am as I am stuck at home with parents. I have to pretend that I am ok when truly things are not ok. I know I need to stop saying I am ok when people ask or when they do but really what I truly want to say I am NOT ok. I guess that is part of my were I don't want to explain to people what is going on. Then find out they just wanted to lesson and don't give a crap! So why should I give a crap back.
Its like this dumb website I do...I work on it and nothing happens? I question do people really read it and is it really helping people. Do I want to continue doing this website? Who knows because I sure don't know.
Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen, or yet it is something I have to live with and still struggle with until my time on this earth is over with. When that time comes and with the amount of time, would I be sitting at the gets of heaven? Because I didn't give my all in fighting to get free and that I haven't been turning to God. Putting my trust in Him for other things as well? Or will I be turned around and to be set to the gets of Hell?
I am just walking around right now on this earth trying to what I need to do but to me that seams not to be enough.
Right now I don't know what to say or yet do anymore. It gets to be to much, for me alone to take. To me it seams like everyone out there is just out there for theirselfs. For me it is different, I give myself to much and I wonder if I should stop giving so much and pull back.
I just simply don't know. I wish right now I can crawl back to bed and not get back up. But I am as I am stuck at home with parents. I have to pretend that I am ok when truly things are not ok. I know I need to stop saying I am ok when people ask or when they do but really what I truly want to say I am NOT ok. I guess that is part of my were I don't want to explain to people what is going on. Then find out they just wanted to lesson and don't give a crap! So why should I give a crap back.
Its like this dumb website I do...I work on it and nothing happens? I question do people really read it and is it really helping people. Do I want to continue doing this website? Who knows because I sure don't know.
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